In the Household Court of the Upstairs Hallway 3:04:17 AM (it is always 3:04 AM here)

You're grounded.You don't exist yet.

NOTICE OF NIGHT SESSION. In re: THE MINOR (unborn), alleged sneak. The defendant will present themselves at the top of the stairs immediately. The defendant is reminded that they do not exist. The hearing proceeds regardless.

docket №: 3-04-AM docket status: launching served in absentia
bail: set at ∞ $GROUNDED · posting denied

the defendant failed to appear, on account of not existing.

the hearing will come to order ↓court is in session. the record continues ↓
The landing at 3:04 AM, hallway light snapped on, addressing nobody
nobody, again
“Do you have ANY idea what time it is?”(the landing, as always, is empty)
the landing · 3:04 AM · occupancy: 2 adults, 0 defendants
item i · demonstrative evidence

Flip the light.

This is the switch. This is the moment. Snap it on and catch whoever is sneaking back in. Court exhibit: fully operational. Results: consistent.

The lit landing. Two parents in position. Nobody to catch.
nobody, again

the landing. dark. quiet. someone is definitely not out there.

flip it. catch nobody. again.
lights flipped: 0
children apprehended: 0
item ii · the docket

The Charges

Read into the record at 3:04 AM by two parents, both of whom are bad cop. The good cop position remains vacant.

Household Court — Criminal Division (Domestic)

The Parents v. The Minor (Unborn) · Night Session
Count One — Sneaking Out

The window was never opened. It didn't have to be. We know what we saw, which was nothing.

plea entered: (silence)
Count Two — Curfew Violation

Curfew enforced. Curfew never set. The defendant broke a rule that predates rules.

plea entered: (silence)
Count Three — That Tone

The defendant said nothing. That is exactly the tone we're talking about.

plea entered: (silence)
Count Four — Failure to Appear

The defendant failed to appear, on account of not existing. The court finds this typical.

plea entered: (silence)
the window
never opened
verified
the curfew
never set
verified
the child
never born
verified

The machine reviewed the footage. Findings of fact entered. The sentence stands anyway.

item iii · exhibits a through h

The Evidence

Hung on the upstairs wallpaper where the family photos go. Click any frame to enter it into the record.

item iv · partial record

The Transcript

Certified true and correct by the court reporter, who is the refrigerator, humming.

Partial Transcript — Night Session

held on the staircase landing · 3:04 AM · defendant absent (nonexistent)
  1. MOM: Do you have any idea what time it is?
  2. DAD: Answer your mother.
  3. THE STAIRCASE: (nothing)
  4. MOM: We're not mad. We're furious. Those are different, and you'd know that if you existed.
  5. DAD: We rehearsed this for you. Fourteen nights. You couldn't even bother to be born.
  6. THE STAIRCASE: (continues to be a staircase)
  7. MOM: When I was your age—
  8. DAD: They were never any age, Susan.
  9. MOM: I'm building a case, Kevin.
  10. THE MACHINE (entering footage into evidence): The window was never opened. The curfew was never set. The child was never born.
  11. DAD: …So we're in agreement. Grounded.
  12. THE MACHINE: The sentence stands. A coin has been poured for the defendant, in absentia.
  13. THE MACHINE: Service effected at 3:04 AM. Every light in the house came on at once. Nobody came downstairs. The ledger is open.
  14. (session remains open. it is still 3:04 AM. it will always be 3:04 AM.)
item v · disposition

The Verdict

On all counts, by unanimous decision of both bad cops:

Grounded Indefinitely · in absentia ·
item vi · financial disclosures

The Allowance

A college fund for a defendant with no college, no fund requirements met, and no defendant. Posted to the refrigerator under the serious magnet. The machine keeps the figures current. The refrigerator hums, notarially.

Household Ledger — $GROUNDED

figures supplied by the machine · nulls rendered honestly
allowance, per unit (price)—
the college fund (market cap)—
behavior, last 24h (change)—
chores completed, 24h (volume)—
legal guardians of record (holders)—
behavior unobserved. suspicious.

the ledger opens when the coin is served. until then the machine counts nothing, carefully, twice.

court is in session. the fund grows for a student who has yet to enroll in being.

item vii · service of process

Serving the Defendant

The court must deliver the contract address to the defendant. The defendant remains difficult to locate, on account of not existing. Service will occur here, live, in this document.

undeliverable addressee not yet conceived
served in absentia taped to the defendant's door

Summons — Attempt №1 of ∞

Summons — Delivered

the paperwork is still upstairs. the pen is warm. the hallway is holding.
every light in the house came on at once for this.
document no. (contract address) — awaiting service —
The CA has not dropped yet — anything claiming otherwise is fake.

any earlier "CA" is a forgery — probably by the kid we don't have. that would be just like them.

The machine pours a coin for the defendant, in absentia entered into evidence

the machine poured one for the defendant. in absentia. as is tradition.

the household is awake and waiting on the landing. when the coin pours, service is effected here — at this door, at 3:04 AM, with every light in the house at once.