Maumelle Athletic Dept · Equipment Incident № 0060 STATUS: launching
FROM THE DESK OF THE EQUIPMENT MANAGER · MAUMELLE, ARKANSAS

One hour of drills. Two heartbeats in the helmet.

A two-foot venomous cottonmouth attended one full hour of Arkansas football practice from inside a helmet. Sixty minutes, nothing wrong. Then the padding moved — and the story ended on the greatest sentence local news has ever printed:

actual resolution · as printed

“The player was issued a different helmet.”

— the entire aftermath. practice continued.
$NEWHELMET
heartbeats in helmet: 2
Equipment Tag / CA still inside the helmet

EQUIPMENT ROOM NOTICE: The CA has not dropped yet — anything claiming otherwise is fake. Nothing has exited the helmet. We are watching the padding.

The cottonmouth, pictured in its equipment
subject, pictured in equipment it was not issued. wore it for an hour.
DRILL 01

Run the hour

Sixty minutes of practice were completed. All of them were fine. Drag the clock and watch how fine they were. The last second is different from the other 3,599 — and once it happens, so is every entry in the log.

00:00
elapsed practice · occupants aware: 1 of 2
helmet onhelmet check
Practice log — Maumelle — recorded in real time. nothing to report.
  1. 00:00 — helmet on. feels normal."normal" was doing a lot of work.
  2. 07:30 — stretching lines. full attendance.fuller than reported. two heartbeats, one helmet, one aware.
  3. 15:00 — tackling sled. good contact.the sled was the only thing hit harder than the odds.
  4. 24:10 — water break. everyone hydrates.one attendee abstained. it did not need water. yet.
  5. 33:45 — seven-on-seven. helmet performing well.above expectations. above listed occupancy.
  6. 41:20 — coach says "keep your head in it."somebody already had. for forty-one minutes.
  7. 52:00 — wind sprints. heart rates elevated.all of them. both of them.
  8. 59:59 — the padding moves.
  9. 60:00 — HELMET CHECK.everything above was wrong the whole time. log re-filed accordingly.
SIDELINE CAM nothing is wrong
TWO HEARTBEATS CONFIRMED What was inside the helmet the entire time

detection occurred at minute sixty. the fear is retroactive. it always is.

FORM 2F-VENOM

Incident report

MAUMELLE ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT
equipment incident report · practice field · august 21
Equipment involvedone (1) helmet
Occupants of equipmenttwo (2)
Occupants authorizedone (1)
Unauthorized occupantcottonmouth, venomous, approx. 2'0", undrafted
Duration of cohabitationone (1) full hour of drills
Detection methodthe padding moved
Detection minutesixty

NARRATIVE: A two-foot venomous cottonmouth completed one full hour of football drills from inside a player's helmet. Stretching, sled work, seven-on-seven, wind sprints. At no point during the hour was anything wrong, provided nobody checked. At minute sixty, somebody checked.

RESOLUTION: The helmet was submerged in a tub of water until the snake exited. The snake was relocated to a forested area, where it remains eligible for the playoffs. The player was issued a different helmet.

EQUIPMENT LOSS: one (1) helmet.

STATUS: practice continued.

FILED · NO FURTHER QUESTIONS
Appendix A — note from the machine
The machine observed the interval between putting the helmet on and looking inside it. Sixty minutes wide. Perfectly calm. Retroactively unbearable. The machine has minted that interval. You have several of your own currently open. This coin does not close them. It commemorates them.
TAPE 0060

Film room

Coach pulled the tape. We reviewed the hour frame by frame. It holds up. That's the problem.

Film frame, minute zero
FRAME 00100:04

helmet on. no notes.

Film frame, minute nine
FRAME 00209:12

form looks good. contents unknown.

Film frame, minute eighteen
FRAME 00318:57

nothing unusual on this frame. (there was something unusual on this frame.)

Film frame, minute twenty-seven
FRAME 00427:31

hydration break. one participant abstains.

Film frame, minute thirty-six
FRAME 00536:48

the snake also made the team.

Film frame, minute forty-five
FRAME 00645:15

helmet check now means something. at this frame, it didn't yet.

Film frame, minute fifty-four
FRAME 00754:02

practice continued. it always does.

Film frame, the last second
FRAME 00859:59

the padding moves. end of tape.

FIELD HOUSE

The scoreboard

$NEWHELMET · OFFICIAL
SNAKES1 HELMETS0
Price
—
Market cap
—
24h
—
Volume 24h
—
Holders
—

PREGAME. the numbers arrive when the snake exits the helmet. the tub is being filled. remain in stretching lines.

SPECIAL SITUATIONS

Depth chart

№NamePositionStatus
00COTTONMOUTHINSIDE relocated to a forested area. eligible for the playoffs. led the team in minutes played without a snap.
—THE PLAYEREVERY POSITION, BRIEFLY, EMOTIONALLY issued a different helmet. returned to practice. checks it now. every time. forever.
—THE HELMETVENUE submerged. emptied. retired. hosted the most consequential hour in program history.
—THE PADDINGWHISTLEBLOWER moved once. changed everything. the only piece of equipment that told the truth.
—THE TUB OF WATERNEGOTIATOR resolved the standoff without a word. undefeated.
FORM 7 — REISSUE

Get issued a different helmet

Equipment reissue procedure

The player did not quit football. The player got a different helmet and went back to practice within the hour. This is the entire philosophy of the coin. Procedure follows.

  1. report to the equipment window with a wallet on the correct chain.
  2. verify the contract address against the official tag below. the equipment room does not issue helmets over DM.
  3. swap for $NEWHELMET. inspect your helmet. you will do this from now on. that's normal now.
  4. practice continues.
Official CA still inside the helmet

EQUIPMENT ROOM NOTICE: The CA has not dropped yet — anything claiming otherwise is fake. When the padding moves, this page will move with it.